A Broken Heart

Travis Update:

Travis went to his first cognitive behavior therapy appointment last week. It was a joke. She said he needed to be seen by a doctor and that it was obvious it was something medically related. (Sound familiar?) She said she didn't need to see him again unless Travis really needed it. Will anyone ever just help us instead of referring us to someone else?? Luckily, his health has been less of a struggle these past few weeks, but he is still drained of all energy he can muster by the end of the week. Travis is trudging along in his PhD program. He is half way through his first semester! His health allows him make it to classes about 70% of the time, so on the good days he works extra hard into the late night to catch up for the bad days. He has been able to stay caught up in all of his classes. In fact, this week he got a 94% on his physiology exam! #proudwife Apart from school, Travis has been spending as much time as he care spare out on the ice playing hockey. He loves it and still has his teeth!

Baby Theo Health Update:

My last ultrasound was Sept 21 ( I will have another one on Thursday).

I love being able to see how much he is growing! He is in the 56th percentile for his growth (which is sooo good). A few people have asked about the specific health issues. So here they are, in medical terms. He has a hypoplastic nasal bone (shorter nasal bone), bilateral ventricles measuring 10mm (too much fluid in his brain), and an AV canal heart defect (missing valves and septum in his heart). This last ultrasound also showed that his kidneys may be slightly echogenic (possible blockage in his kidneys). So far, the only surgery needed is for the AV canal defect, which will happen between 4-6 months after birth. The other health issues could go away or get worse as the pregnancy continues, so I will be going to doctors appointments more frequently these last 2 months. All in all, Theo still moves constantly!! Lately, Theo really, REALLY likes kicking my ribs. If you see me holding my side, you know why. As long as he is getting stronger, right? ;)

Side note: I will be induced most likely a week before the due date, so Theo will probably be a Christmas baby!

Travis and I have joined a Little Buddies Parents Group for parents that have young children with Down syndrome. We are so lucky to already find support from people who have been through what we are going through. I am constantly reading books and finding more information about Down syndrome. It seems like every kid is just as unique as the next. As much as I would like to know what to expect for baby Theo, we will just have to wait and see. He may be prone to more health challenges than others, but his talents and abilities will become evident as he grows. Travis is pretty sure one of those will be hockey as he's already checking my ribs. I am so excited to be this little hockey player's mom!

Abby:

As for me, I have been looking to heal a deeply broken heart. My emotions get the best of me most days and the other days I just feel numb. My love for Travis has brought me to my knees daily for over two years as I watch him suffer through chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, and a functional movement disorder, with still no cure/end in sight. Our lives have been no where in our control since we said "I do." We feel like we figure life out for a moment, and then everything falls out of our control. Fortunately, there is strength in eternal families. We both have kept each other going. Our relationship has been strengthened deeply as we have learned to communicate and take care of each other. We have started healing, together.

This summer, we began to feel our lives heading in the right direction again with Travis graduating from BYU and getting medical attention at the Mayo Clinic. Top that off with learning about our beautiful baby boy coming soon, and Travis getting accepted to a PhD program at The Ohio State University and we were feeling awesome! Unfortunately, our happiness would be tested when we found out that our little Theo had a heart defect and Down syndrome. Honestly, we were devastated when we first found out that our little guy would have to come into this world fighting.

Even now, my love for my unborn son brings tears to my eyes daily knowing that he will have more challenges in the first year of life than most face in a lifetime. His little body will have to fight to stay strong and grow. And we will fight for him - a million battles if necessary because he is ours. 

There are two things that keep me on my feet and allow me to have good days. One is Travis. He lives and breaths to keep me happy and healthy.  He has taught me what true, unconditional love feels like. He has taught me to find laughter in the little things. He continues to read Harry Potter to me at night and loves to practice his Snape voice. (We are already in the sixth book!) I have no doubt that our little family will continue to find happiness, no matter what we continue facing. Travis is my breath to life. I appreciate him so much.

The second thing that keeps me going is studying the atonement of Jesus Christ. There are some things at church that lately, I have a hard time feeling anything towards. I think it's because I am stuck in "survival mode" as I am trying to just hold on and can only handle thinking about the now. Still, there are moments that touch me. During conference weekend, I read an article by Bruce D. Porter that reminded me that I am not the only one that has a broken heart. Speaking of Christ, he said:

His great heart literally broke with an all encompassing love for the children of God.

The Savior's perfect submission to the Eternal Father is the very essence of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

I must say that I love learning about the atonement - both through the words of church leaders and through the guiding hand of the Lord. By going through these challenging times, I have felt more deeply the love of my Savior and learned more intimately of His sacrifice for me.

Travis wrote a poem that captures exactly how I feel that I would like to share. It is titled "Balm of Gilead"

Such balm e'en Gilead could not claim
The Word whose word refines the heart
To mend through fire and heal through pain
And purify with smithy's art

Let bellows stoke the heat to sear
And purify my stony life
Let hammer beat against my sin
Let flame rebuke the darkness rife

But through the black let glow His love
For spark of faith lends healing light
And though my soul can bear no more
He gives me strength to pass the night

Rough the edges, beaten the soul
By fire and hammer, my heart is free
The Smithy molds with tender blow
And brings to weary soul true peace

And so, my heart is beginning to heal. No more empty prayers. No more bitterness. I know He feels our hearts. He knows the deep pain I feel and the love I have for both Travis and Theo. And at the times I feel I have nothing left to give, when the pieces of my shattered heart feel too far gone to try to pick up, I can call upon Him who has been through this and more, and ask him to be my strength and fill my heart with love again.

He truly is the greatest Healer.

For those of you interested: I have put together a registry for baby Theo! He will be here in less than 2 and half months! We would love for you to celebrate with us! Click here for the registry.