I'm going crazy.

21 days. 21 days. Living in the hospital. I have gone home 3 times- once for sleep, twice for laundry. They say we will probably go home tomorrow, but they said that last week too. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm uncomfortable.

I miss carpet. I miss walking around without shoes on. I miss pumping milk for Theo without someone coming in the room. I miss having a conversation with Travis without being interrupted. I miss making Theo's bottle without nurses needing to double check it and make notes in their chart. I miss changing his diaper without having to weigh it. I miss singing to him without the nurses commenting how cute it is. I miss snuggling with him on the couch. I miss my bed. I miss making my own breakfast, lunch and dinner. I miss having different outfits to choose to wear. I miss our home. I miss a conversation on the phone without losing connection. I miss reading a book or watching a movie without several interruptions. I miss sleep. I miss having a life outside of the hospital.

I hate waking up to Theo screaming because he is getting a blood test at 6am. I hate that at night they come in to weigh him and get measurements right after he falls asleep. I hate that doctors come to the room to answer my questions during the 5 minutes I am in the cafeteria. Timing is not on our side. I hate that I can't have a minute to myself anywhere in this hospital. I hate the cafeteria food. I hate correcting a nurse because she is doing something wrong. I hate the constant, incessant beeping because the pulse oxometer isn't reading well (because Theo is so wiggly). I hate waking up at 3am to the feeding pump being loaded incorrectly,  just for the nurse to fix it and it go off again right after she leaves.  I hate having to label and use a million small containers for the breastmilk. I hate that I know all the nurses and PCAs on the floor by name. I hate the cafeteria food. I hate drinking milk out of a little carton. I hate that we are still here. I hate that I have little hope that we will actually get out of here soon. I hate that Theo has more leakage in his heart.

Today makes 21 days in a row, total 45 since the beginning of the year. As much as I want to go home and sleep,  I can't bear the thought of leaving Theo completely in the hands of someone else. I'm going crazy. Luckily, Travis is going crazy with me. As Travis always says, "All the best people are crazy." 

Don't get me wrong, I love the great care of the team of doctors, but I am ready to have my baby to myself again.

Comments

  1. NatalieJune 12, 2017 at 12:28 AM

    Oh, Abby. I'm so sorry. I will continue to pray for you all. What a hard, hard thing you are asked to endure. You are so strong, and when you feel weak, God will carry you if you ask Him! Have you ever listened to the LDS youth music? Google it if not, or you can download the LDS youth app. I really like the music. Listen to the song "Lay it Down." It helped me get through a difficult trial in my life. You are a beautiful writer. I hope things get better for you very, very soon and you get Theo back to yourself. Love you!

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